02: the answer is already there

[bangtanmod]

Title: The answer is already there
Author: bluedreaming
Pairing: Seokjin/Taehyung
Rating: PG
Word count: 1098 words
Song used: Intro : 화양연화
Warnings: none
Author's notes: Thanks to you know who for indulging me, and R for sprinting. All mistakes are mine alone.
Summary: Are you happy?

He doesn't see the letter, tucked in the bottom of his backpack, until he's emptying out the contents in a frustrated search for his lunch, after the homeroom teacher has already made the announcement. It feels like cold water, emptying over his head in a fountain of reality, like when Seokjin tripped and his slushie went flying, dousing Taehyung in a blue torrent of freezing water and ice. It feels like— I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't know what to say? How to explain. I practised in front of a mirror but it just came out wrong. Please don't think I don't care because that's not true. I didn't decide to leave and I hope I'll be back, but I know you'll be okay without me. I believe in you. I guess this is goodbye? But knowing you, you'll run right after me before I'm out the door, probably, and yell names at me while you pretend not to cry. I lied, that's not true. It's me who's pretending not to cry. Anyway goodbye. The letter isn't signed, so if he wanted to pretend—he doesn't, anyway. His lunch sticks in his throat and he can't swallow the rice, clumped in dry sections like sand because the lid came open in his bag during the morning. But knowing you, you'll run right after me. . . It feels like he let Seokjin down. Taehyung crumples the letter back up in his fist and smashes it into the pocket of his creased uniform pants before swinging the pack over his shoulder and ditching. When the night comes again, reality gets destroyed The first time he saw Seokjin, Taehyung didn't think much about it. Just another kid older than him, in a new school that was to be expected. Whatever. He didn't stand out at all, at least not in the circles Taehyung moved in. Practice kept him busy anyway; he wasn't about to waste his time drooling after upperclassmen, not when he'd transferred to this school especially for basketball, even though it took him an extra half hour every morning on the train. "Are you sure you want to do this?" his mom had asked. Taehyung hadn't even bothered to reply, just shrugging as he walked out the door, bag already sitting heavy on his back. Of course. It was only after he sprained his ankle, nothig permanent, at least not according to the coach, but he was ordered to walk everywhere for at least two weeks and he was going stir crazy, spinning the basketball around on his fingers everywhere he went, just to relieve some of the itch, when he stumbled across the home ec classroom. Specifically, an empty classroom after school, when Taehyung was skulking around the hallways avoiding the basketball court swimming in the back of his head like an angry ghost. He scraped his elbow against the wall, the ball taking a tumble from his hand and rolling across the floor, bathed golden in the late afternoon sun, and stopped, bumping against the frame of an open doorway. The classroom wasn't empty after all, there was a cake sitting on the counter, white whipped cream and strawberries. Taehyung could hear his stomach rumble, it would have been embarassing except no one was there—wait, a head appeared, followed by a body, white shoulders and rolled up sleeves, as someone unfolded themselved from behind the counter and stood up. Their eyes were big, like they weren't expecting to meet someone. Taehyung felt the same. Seokjin? The letters on the nametag were familiar. "Hi," the older boy said, his quiet voice loud in the echoing classroom. Taehyung swallowed, feet already moving to step away when his stomach let out a particularly loud gurgle. He could feel pink dusting over his cheeks, but Seokjin only smiled, a soft expression on his face. "Do you want some cake?" he asked. Taehyung didn't realize until later, but somewhere between the mouthfuls of cream and cake and sweet strawberries, he lost his heart. This moment feels like it'll last forever but the sun is setting He can't make the basket, throw after throw after throw and the sun is setting, an orange rim bright over the hills, the rim of the basketball hoop that he can't reach, the house he can't run to, Taehyung considers running anyway but he knows that Seokjin's house will be empty and everything will actually be over. Why didn't you say goodbye to my face? Taehyung asks the person who isn't there, as he aims, throws, and misses another basket. He can't find the answer, it's eluding him, the sunlight slipping out between the cracks of his fingers. This time, when the balls bounces off the metal rim and falls to the ground, he doesn't move to catch it, turning instead to sit on the bleachers at the edge of the court. The cherry blossoms have almost all fallen, only a few lingering petals drifting through the air, their fragility deceiving as they spin on the faint breeze and fall. You'll be back on the court before you know it, he remembers Seokjin saying, quoting cheesy anime lines at him between bites of cake, as he pretended to make faces at the sweetness but secretly let the flavours roll around on his tongue. Later, lying in bed, he'd lifted fingers to his mouth and remembered the lingering taste. Sitting under the cherry trees, sunlight almost faded to dusk, Taehyung rolls his tongue around his mouth but all he can taste is defeat. I'm scared, Seokjin admitted once, Taehyung cocking his head to one side and trying to understand. I'm scared that I won't be able to decide what to do with my life. Taehyung didn't voice the thought that popped into his mind first, Just make cake for me forever, but sat, empty plate in front of him, and thought. "Are you happy?" he asked, asks the air now, the breeze spinning through the late afternoon, tickling his cheek like a ghostly caress. Seokjin had looked startled, but nodded. "Then that's all that matters," Taehyung had concluded, reaching for another piece of cake before Seokjin could push his hand away and warn him about getting indigestion. "Then that's all that matters." The words, repeated now in the almost dark, feel strange, something he's forgotten and has to grow into. I believe in you. Taehyung decides to believe in Seokjin too. The basketball, rolling slowly back across the court, nudged by the wind, bumps into his shoes. Maybe this time he can make the basket.