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bangtanexchange2014-05-08 10:20 pm
bangtanmod) wrote in bangtanexchange2014-05-08 10:20 pm
Entry tags:
bts first anniversary fic fest - fill post (OPEN)
info post / contact a mod / prompt compilation
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rapid monologue 2/2
Hoseok has a way of carrying himself so that it's practically impossible to hate him. He's cheerful and all smiles, and despite his jealousy, Namjoon finds himself smiling back, patting Hoseok on the back and saying his congratulations. And Hoseok replies with a grin, one day it will be us, he says, gripping Namjoon's shoulder, our song, our lyrics, our raps. On a grand stage with an audience shouting our names. The thought of it is enough for Namjoon to grin back, ear to ear, and nod at Hoseok.
The promise of one day comes merely two months later, when their PD calls them to a room, all seven of them—him, Yoongi, Hoseok, Taehyung, Seokjin, Jimin, and Jungkook—sitting down on the faux-wooden floor of the practice room, telling them that they're going to debut. Soon, he says, for real, he promises. He tells them to pick a leader, and in between blissful smiles and content grins, it's Namjoon that everyone chooses, saying he's been here the longest, he deserves it the most. It's one more burden for Namjoon, after his stage name, Rap Monster, because who in their right mind would call themselves Rap Monster, really? It brings expectations that Namjoon doesn't know he can fulfill, but that's the least of his worry for now. He's got a team to lead, a debut to prepare, photo shoots to attend, recordings to create, lyrics to write.
One day finally comes in the form of June 2013, when his face, huge sunglasses covering his eyes, finds its way to the pages of news sites, Bangtan Boys Debut Teaser, the title says, and Namjoon can feel his heart beats much faster than it should. It's only days now, he thinks as he practices the moves to his debut song, his debut song, and he almost falls down, more because of the weight in his heart than the complicated steps of the choreography. He gets nightmares about his dreams coming true and not being good enough for the people who root for him—he remembers the way his mother smiles as she says it's okay if he doesn't want to attend university, if being an idol is his dream. He thinks of the way some of his friends sneer at his decision of being an idol, and the way his other friends cheer him up whenever he feels like quitting. What if this doesn't work out? What if his group just becomes one of those that nobody remembers? What if he trains for years just to debut and be forgotten? Namjoon just wants to do well, so well, just wants to make people proud of him.
No, Namjoon shakes his head, he wants to make music, and that's what he's doing. If he succeeds, he succeeds, if he doesn't, at least some people listened. Other things should not matter.
*
Training is nothing compared to real idol schedule, Namjoon realizes as he tries to sneak some sleep on their van, moving at 4 AM to the recording of today's music broadcast. He reaches the broadcast station and sits with his eyes half-asleep as random strangers come over with BB cream and hairspray, doing his makeup and hair. Namjoon doesn't mind—he can still feel the ecstasy of their debut stage yesterday, the way his body stops shaking as soon as the familiar beat of the song they've been practicing for so long starts playing, as the first lines of his rap, the one he wrote himself, are out of his mouth. It's everything he didn't know he needed to feel—the sound of the crowd, the bright light of the stage, the banners with the words Bangtan Boys on it, the sunbaenims watching from backstage.
But of course with recognition, comes the pain of harsh comments—what's with the name, why the sunglasses, what is that hair. He must be ugly, that's why he's given shades to cover his face. He's not that good at rapping, why is he self-proclaiming himself as a monster. Namjoon tries to ignore the things coming from strangers who don't care and are probably just envious of the fact that he's famous, but it's the comments from people he used to know, the ones he hears accidentally when visiting clubs, that hurt more. He used to be on the same underground scene as I am, Namjoon overheard one time, he's good, but calling himself rap monster is a bit much. He used to be a simple guy wearing oversized t-shirts and snapbacks, Namjoon caught another time, now he's all makeup and fancy clothes, it's tacky. Namjoon blocks the negative comments as much as he can, although sometimes some things get under his skin. They're just jealous, he convinces himself, that I am young and living my dreams.
And then it gets tiring, rapping the same lines over and over again, four times a week and sometimes more, but even so, Namjoon tries to enjoy it. A voice in the back of his mind still sometimes wonders if it's the right decision to be an idol, with little to no chance to rap freestyle, repeating what he's done again and again, in thick makeup and pretentious hairdos. Under a stage name that nobody would ever choose for themselves, he wonders if he's become too much of an idol and not enough of a rapper.
Namjoon never worries for long, though, because he'd look around and the happiness is unmistakable in the faces of the members, the same bliss that he knows is mirrored on his own face, because he's fought for so long to get here. Namjoon secretly thanks his PD for giving him sunglasses to cover his eyes, because he's tearing up at every end of their debut stages. He's making music, and hundreds of people are there to listen to what he made. That's what he's here for, and whether he's a rapper or an idol, shouldn't matter.
*
Time flies and before he knows it he's already had multiple successful fan signing events, performed in hundreds of events and broadcasts and concerts, bleached and colored his hair numbers of times. Bangtan is doing well, actually winning things at award shows, even going overseas for awards and fan meetings. Namjoon is no longer afraid of being forgotten, because he knows people noticed, because he has an army of fans, and Namjoon cannot deny that he loves it. He's living in the spotlight, enjoying the glamorous status of an idol, thousands of people now listening to the lyrics he creates. But in the dark of the night, under exhaustion of his tight schedule, Namjoon would once again find himself asking if he's forgetting to be a rapper, too entangled in idol lifestyle.
It's the confusion of his status as an idol and his desire to be called a rapper that sometimes break him and he would lose the smile he has to wear onscreen, and instead frown and yell at anyone he comes in contact with. Seokjin would scold him for being insensitive, because everyone else is tired, too, and the leader shouldn't be making them feel worse. Yoongi likes to take a more silent approach, patting his back carefully when he passes him in the hallways, knowing that the frustration will be over soon, that Namjoon goes through this kind of breakdown every once in a while but it always passes. Hoseok would try to make him smile and sometimes he succeed sometimes he doesn't, but he always, always try. The maknaes are mostly too scared to even approach him, although sometimes Taehyung would awkwardly come and give him hugs, muttering I'm sorry hyung, I hope you're okay.
It's one of those days, and Taehyung had just climbed back down to the bottom bunk after nudging Namjoon's shoulder with his nose, whispering, hyung, are you okay. Namjoon answers with a hum while wondering if he's being selfish. Because if he's hesitant about being there and one day decides to leave, that idol life isn't the answer to his dream, then he would be leaving six kids who have dreamed with him for so long, the ones who are always, always there for him. And it's the realization that he has a family there, the people who suffered together with him, the kids who share his laugh at the hardest times, the ones he's singing with, that makes Namjoon thinks that yes, he's staying, there, as an idol, as a rapper, whatever you'd like to call it. Because labels shouldn't matter when he's doing what he's always wanted to do—he's making music.
*
Namjoon realizes over time, just how much labels don't matter. He rids himself of the uncertainty of being called an idol, because what's so bad about being an idol, really? It's because he's an idol that he's all set to debut in Japan, invited to perform in LA, making documentary show in China—he's going international. Soon he will have tens of thousands of people listening to his music, and how many people are lucky enough to have so much recognition at such an early age?
Namjoon thinks about being thankful, that his life is full of bliss, that all his sacrifices are worth it and that all his insecurities are unnecessary. He steals glances to his sides, to his fellow members who are waving at the fans in front of them, smiling, grinning, living their dreams. He looks ahead to the sea of lime green lights shining in the darkness of the concert hall, finding banners with his name here and there. And as the faint light of the stage grows brighter, and the words Bangtan Boys Official Japan Fan Meeting are visible behind him, he smiles and raises a hand.
"2, 3, Bang! Tan! Hello, we are Bangtan Boys!"
Re: rapid monologue 2/2
(Anonymous) 2014-08-21 12:29 pm (UTC)(link)Re: rapid monologue 2/2